10-29-2008, 12:01 PM
Those methods? No, no.
The best way is to warm Vaseline in the microwave for ten seconds, then insert it into a plastic bag. Take the plastic bag, put it between your box spring and mattress. Then, and then only, insert your penis into the bag, passionately making sad, grinding motions that resemble rear-entry sex with a female (or male...?). It might pinch, but the mattress method is just...just fantastic.
After you finish, go shower, let the guilt overcome you for making God cry, and then sit in the shower, cradling your arms over your legs as you weep silently to yourself.
Nothing like masturbating!
The best way is to warm Vaseline in the microwave for ten seconds, then insert it into a plastic bag. Take the plastic bag, put it between your box spring and mattress. Then, and then only, insert your penis into the bag, passionately making sad, grinding motions that resemble rear-entry sex with a female (or male...?). It might pinch, but the mattress method is just...just fantastic.
After you finish, go shower, let the guilt overcome you for making God cry, and then sit in the shower, cradling your arms over your legs as you weep silently to yourself.
Nothing like masturbating!